Oxford Languages Dictionary defines values as the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something... a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.
If you have yet to assess your values, anyone can come along and indoctrinate you with what is dear to their heart. As I think about the time I was teaching a group of fifth-grade students, I asked a question about each student's likes regarding their favorite food, color, etc. One boy in the class would answer, "I don't know." No matter what question of options I gave, he would reply, "I don't know." I stated, "Even if you don't know what food, color, etc., you like, it's better to choose one. If you don't select one option, someone will choose one in their favor. I had to remind him of this in several instances. Values come from the heart. We believe these things to be true about us or what is favorable to us. Values establish boundaries. They prove what is dear to our hearts. They allow us and others to consider and respect our beliefs, personal preferences, judgments, opinions, etc. As time progressed, this young boy began choosing options that he favored. He drew inferences about himself based on his beliefs, upbringing, and likes and dislikes. He respected himself and his ideologies, and valuing his choices became more manageable over time. These decisions produced further growth.
I remember talking to a woman about a relationship she was involved in. She had mentioned that the guy she had come to love did not like or consider her culture's food. She said, "I don't worry; I cook what he likes, so he is happy. She added, by the way, I do like his culture's food, too. I asked her nicely what she liked most about her culture's food. She replied that it was where I came from. It is unique in taste, look, and smell. It is delicious! As she had spoken, she gleamed nostalgically, with love and satisfaction. I asked her if she valued his upbringing and culture more than hers. She stated, "Absolutely not!" I asked her if she was willing to trade in her cultural values for his cultural values. She replied, not at all. I asked her where she found strength and delight in life. What is her lasting memory of her cultural traditions? She intently thought about these questions and lit up as she shared some of her experiences. No one else will value anything about you if you don't value your system of beliefs and experiences. Values are created from conception—some change as we mature, but many are held dear to our hearts.
Our socialization, beliefs, cultural traditions, and other experiences impact our lives. Maturity takes place as we explore and appreciate our beliefs and values. No one should discount them or take them away from us. Young or old, relationships should be an even exchange. We must be intentional in what we allow. If you are having difficulty assessing what you value in your relationship(s), contact me!